


Luster

by Milieu



Category: Cthulhu Mythos - H. P. Lovecraft
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Implied Sexual Content, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Lovecraftian, Minor Character Death, Modern Era, Non-binary character, Other, Psychological Horror
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-02
Updated: 2017-03-02
Packaged: 2018-09-27 20:27:23
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,848
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10047380
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Milieu/pseuds/Milieu
Summary: Sometimes, waking up to an empty bed and a hangover is the worst you can expect. Sometimes, it's a lot weirder.





	

Morning did not come slowly or gracefully. It came like a brick to the face, unkindly dropping Kyung-sun out of blissful unconsciousness and into reality, making zem simultaneously aware of zir pounding headache and sandpaper tongue, and the jarring ringing of zir cell phone on the bedside table.

Ze flopped more than rolled over, and several parts of zir body besides zir head reported that they had been wildly abused the night before. A fragment of memory that managed to claw itself up from the remnants of blackout drunkenness informed zem that it had been the best kind of abuse. Figured ze would wake up to an empty bed and no note or phone number or anything.

Kyung-sun managed a sort of half-shimmy, half-army crawl to the other side of the bed to retrieve zir phone from the bedside table. "Yeah, whazzit?" Ze slurred, voice thick with sleep and mouth unbearably dry.

"Oh good, you're alive," said the voice on the other end. It wasn't an unusual greeting after a night out. Noah had possessed a flair for melodrama for as long as Kyung-sun had known him (and they had been friends since the dark, distant years of middle school, going on twelve years now). This morning, his voice was tinged with a note of genuine relief.

"Yeah? Why wouldn' I be?"

Noah let out a short, incredulous laugh. "You seriously don't remember?"

Kyung-sun sighed. "Remember what?"

"The _riot_ , you dolt. You were  _there_."

"...Riot?" No, no, ze definitely felt like ze would have remembered being part of one of those. Granted, trying to remember anything felt like trying to break through a brick wall with zir head, but ze wasn't coming up with anything other than...

_(hands hiking zir thighs around his waist hands in zir hair hands around zir throat everything glimmering gold)_

"I left with a guy. Musta been before whatever it was happened."

_(screaming screaming screaming terror and ecstasy is this what dying feels like)_

Noah snorted. "Fucking typical. I managed to bail before things really got crazy and had to catch a ride home with the cops. I was blowing up your phone for at least an hour and you just sent me some weird message back."

"S'what you get for dragging me to some stupid magic show open mic night or whatever." Kyung-sun ran a hand through zir long hair, working through tangles with zir fingers and absently scanning the room to see whether zir mysterious nighttime company had left anything behind. Ze had gotten a new pair of shoes, numerous belts, and a pretty nice watch from previous careless conquests.

"...Heh. 'Magic Mic'."

Kyung-sun rolled zir eyes. "You're not funny. Anyway, what actually happened?"

"Dunno for sure. Try watching the news for once in your life and maybe you'll learn."

"Like I actually care. I've got enough problems without-"

There was a book on the bedside table.

_(laughter cold and alien and somehow familiar his mouth is so hot but everything else is cold and sparkling)_

It was not Kyung-sun's book, nor could ze recall ever seeing it before. It was a ponderous thing, and the blackened leather binding had a look that suggested a slick, unpleasant texture. There was a title stamped on the cover in faded gold leaf. Ze sat frozen, unsure if ze wanted to move closer to properly make it out.

Who the hell brought a book to a hook-up? Ze didn't fall asleep  _that_ fast after sex, what kind of fucking nerd had the time and inclination to sit and read after that?

"Hello? Kyung-sun?"

The leather wasn't slick, but rather smooth and, well, leathery. Squinting just made zir head hurt worse, but the title was something like-

Three swift knocks at the front door, then two more after a slight pause. Kyung-sun's head jerked up and in that direction and fucking  _ow_. Pressing the heel of zir hand to zir forehead, ze spared one last glance for the book and then eased out of bed onto wobbly legs.

"Gotta go Noah, landlord's at the door."

"Alright, but can you-" Kyung-sun hung up before Noah finished his goodbye, dropped the phone carelessly onto the bed and hobbled over to retrieve zir robe from its hook on the bathroom door. Jesus, walking wasn't usually this hard. Point for you, mystery nerd guy.

_(it hurts it hurts it hurts it hurts it hurts please please more oh god)_

Ze retrieved a fresh pair of underwear and slipped them on, just to be on the safe side, before belting the robe. "I'm coming, just a minute!" Ze called at the repeating knocking, irritation seeping into zir voice. Ze made a detour to the kitchen to gulp down a glass of water before finally answering the door. "Yeah?"

"Mr. Il-Kang?"

Kyung-sun barely bit back a long-suffering sigh at the realization that it was actually the landlord's son at the door. Henry Derby often ran errands around the apartment complex and talked to tenants in his aging father's stead, and this was evidently one such occasion. The younger Derby wasn't a bad sort, none of them were, but he constantly mispronounced zir name (as he had done just now) and ze had officially not been a "mister" for a good six or seven years now, so Kyung-sun tried to keep their interactions short.

"I paid the rent last week."

"What? Oh, yes, no, that's not what I'm here for." Henry cleared his throat awkwardly as he regarded zem. Kyung-sun supposed that ze was pretty obviously still debauched from the night before. "There were, um, some noise complaints from your neighbors last night but Pop's knees were bothering him real bad so he didn't come up to check."

"Oh." Well. It ought to be pretty obvious what all that had been about. 

"So I just..." Henry's eyes slid away from Kyung-sun's face and his expression shifted to one of shock. "Are you okay!?"

"Huh?" Kyung-sun's hand instinctively went to touch zir neck where Henry was focused. Zir fingertips found bruised tenderness and ze flushed, first with embarrassment and then with irritation at Henry's continued gaping. Ze pulled zir robe more tightly closed. "I'm fine. Is that all you needed?"

"Y-yeah... um, just to be sure, there's nothing you wanted to, y'know, report...?"

"No," Kyung-sun said, just barely keeping back an exasperated sigh.

"Alright, well, if there's anything, I mean if you decide you need to-"

"Thank you Henry, goodbye!" Ze said loudly and closed the door in his face. There was a long pause before Henry's footsteps retreated down the hall. Kyung-sun slumped against the door and let that sigh out, rubbing zir hands over zir face. This was too much to have to deal with on a hungover Sunday morning.

Ze needed coffee. Coffee, then shower, then more coffee.

Ze gave the book on the bedside table a glance on zir way to the bathroom, pausing with zir mug against zir lips.

_(I will show you everything you ask for everything you don't believe in everything you always wanted to know)_

Whatever. That was something to deal with later.

\---

A cursory examination in the mirror revealed that the handprint around zir neck was only the beginning. Bruises and bite marks dotted zem from neck to thighs and angry red welts trailed down zir chest and back like claw marks.

And the glitter. Sweet Jesus, the glitter.

There was an oily residue on zir skin, dotted with shimmering gold, and trying to wipe it away with a bare hand only smeared it everywhere. There were flecks of it in zir hair, and probably all over the bedsheets, missed in zir groggy scan of the bedroom earlier.

Ze sighed as ze stepped into the shower, and it turned into a hiss as the hot water ran over zem. God. Ze had never felt so battered after sex, but under the pain was a curling heat that told zem that if that dark-eyed stranger were to appear before zem again, ze wouldn't say no.

After the shower and a second cup of coffee, ze stowed the book in the top of zir closet and resolved not to think about it.

\---

The bruises were still fading when Kyung-sun met Noah for lunch several days later, but fortunately turtleneck weather was most of the year in Arkham. There was a crisp chill in the air, a pleasant contrast to the damp saltiness of the coast that ze remembered from zir childhood. That was something ze and Noah could consistently agree on: neither one of them missed their childhood town much. Too many dreary days and judgmental family members.

Zir hometown had never been friendly to "foreigners" anyhow, even those whose families were several generations in the States at this point. Arkham might have been a bougie milquetoast little city, but it drew in its share of diversity thanks to the university. It certainly had its share of characters, ze thought, blowing across a spoonful of hot soup before taking a cautious sip. That dark-eyed stranger in zir dreams was a constant reminder.

_(hot aching satisfying dreams but not enough to be truly pleasant not enough to drown out the cold laughter everything too bright and glimmering)_

Their usual lunch haunt was just down the block from the burnt-out shell that just last week had been a pub with an open stage every other weekend. Kyung-sun had long ago exhausted any interest in amateur talent shows, but Noah was still a regular and had dragged zem to the Saturday night show. Ze had had a few more drinks than ze should have at such an event, and had probably been more snide than ze should have also, but come on. You had to expect that sort of thing when you took to an open stage with _magic tricks_ of all things. Ze could tell the performer had heard the tail end of zir comments when he left the stage, but he had also gotten a pretty satisfying piece of zem when all was said and done, if Kyung-sun did say so zirself, so they ought to call it even.

"He left me a book, did I tell you that? What a fucking weirdo."

Noah sipped thoughtfully on his cider (non-alcoholic, Noah was a weakling and didn't drink before five in the evening). "It _is_ weird... he looked familiar, you know? I feel like I saw him around campus or something."

Kyung-sun shrugged with one shoulder and took a sip of zir very-much-alcoholic cider in turn. "I wouldn't know." Kyung-sun hadn't had much of a social life during zir years at Miskatonic; zir day-to-day interactions had consisted mainly of professors, generously-sized bottles of whatever alcohol ze could get zir hands on, occasionally Noah when he took the time away from his other friends, and piles and piles of books. Noah said ze overcompensated now whenever they went out, but the truth was that ze didn't drink to socialize. Neither of them was ever willing to bring up the fact that it wasn't a joke when Kyung-sun said college had turned zem into an alcoholic. Noah was the worst kind of enabler, because he only faced the facts when he thought there might actually be trouble, as seen in his increasingly worried texts from the other night. It had become increasingly apparent year by year since graduation that they were more or less destined to be each other's only friend barring a major paradigm shift on one end or the other.

"You didn't get his name?"

_(the unnameable the crawling chaos)_

"No." It felt true, but had a ring of insincerity to it.

Noah frowned at zem for just a moment but let it lie. A sly grin appeared in its place. "Maybe he was just trying to impress you with all that on the stage."

Kyung-sun snorted into zir cider. "Sure, why not do tricks with electricity and magnets to impress someone you've never met before?"

"You've got a secret admirer," Noah teased.

"We call those stalkers now."

"Come on, you don't think it's even a little romantic?"

"Of course not. And I had never seen him before and haven't seen him since, anyway."

"What was the book that he left?"

_(blackest speech what man was not meant to know you cannot comprehend how minuscule you are and yet you reach beyond the veil)_

"Dunno. I just stuck it in my closet."

"Seriously? Last I checked, you couldn't get your hands on a book without reading it cover to cover."

Kyung-sun huffed. "What do I want with some old... dictionary, or whatever it probably is? I'll hold onto it so he can have it back if he comes back around, and if he never does maybe I'll see if it's anything worth selling. I ought to upgrade apartments anyway, Old Man Derby is going to pass the business on to Henry any day now and then I'll have to deal with him all the time."

Noah patted zir arm sympathetically. Kyung-sun jerked away when he inadvertently put pressure on zir bruised wrist and ignored his poorly-concealed expression of hurt.

"Anyway, I burned myself out on reading weird shit years ago. I'm not interested." It came out convincing, but felt like a lie.

\---

After they had finished their meals and sat chatting about nothing for a while, Noah excused himself to the restroom and Kyung-sun idly gazed out the window and sipped on what remained of zir cider. Arkham in the fall was a sight to behold, a veritable explosion of reds, golds,

_(glimmering blinding)_

and oranges, with the occasional stubborn tree or bush clinging to its green. This was the Arkham of postcards, with its historic buildings and brilliantly colored trees lining the little cobbled street. It brought a lazy, absent smile to zir face.

A flicker of movement down the street drew zir vision and then ze slammed zir cup down and was out the door without another thought. "Hey, you!"

He had already rounded the corner, and Kyung-sun could have sworn he disappeared into the burnt shell of the pub as ze rounded it after him.

But he glanced back before he disappeared.

_(why don't you show me a real magic trick then big guy)_

Kyung-sun was left standing on the other side of the street, staring at the remnants of the building in confusion, until ze heard Noah calling for zem.

"What the hell, man?" He huffed as he reached them. He drew up short when he saw how zir mouth curved into a frown, but continued after a moment. "What was that all about? Don't tell me you were going to dine and dash."

"What? No, I just..." Kyung-sun trailed off, realizing that was exactly what ze had done. "I thought I saw..."

Noah raised an eyebrow. "Yeah?"

"Nothing. Nevermind."

\---

"I'm going to start writing again," ze announced with no preamble before stepping out of Noah's car in front of zir apartment.

"Really?" Noah made no attempt to hide his surprise. Kyung-sun didn't expect that he would; ze hadn't written anything more than zir signature on checks and lease agreements since zir senior year at Miskatonic. "Why?"

"I just feel inspired, that's all."

That evening, ze took the book down from the top of the closet. The  _Necronomicon_ was a familiar weight in zir hands - if ze hadn't known better, ze would have thought that it was the same copy ze had tried to steal from Miskatonic's library years ago.

Kyung-sun made a cup of coffee rather than pouring zirself the usual evening drink, and curled up under the bedcovers to read.

\---

"God of a Thousand Forms... Stalker Among the Stars..."

Long fingers trailed through zir hair and down zir neck and spine, almost lovingly.

"The Crawling Chaos... The Messenger..."

The questing hands pulled zir head back to allow cool lips to brush over the fading bruises on zir throat.

"Iä! Iä!"

The lips peeled back to bite down at zir pulse, drawing blood.

" _Nyarlathotep_..."

In the instant before waking, Kyung-sun opened zir eyes and screamed in terror, pain, and exhilaration at the sight of the faceless god, haloed in brilliant golden light.

\---

Miskatonic University had a brand-new head librarian, as it turned out. That was good. She didn't bat an eye at Kyung-sun's name or zir request to take a look at the rare books once ze informed her that ze was an alumnus and currently working on a manuscript, which was better. Zir breakdown in senior year had been swept along into Arkham's endless tide of rumors and hearsay regarding these old books, and there was no one left to bar zem from them.

As soon as the librarian left zem alone with the library's copy of the _Necronomicon_ , Kyung-sun unzipped zir overcoat and slid the gifted copy from within, sliding it into the other book's place on the shelf. Quickly leafing through the pages revealed familiar annotations in the margins, zir unfinished work left untouched for the last few years.

_(listen to the whisperer in the darkness open your mind to me I know everything you want to know and everything you want to feel)_

Kyung-sun felt a grin settle across zir face, the kind of grin that ze had not been inclined to for a very long time.

Ze had thirsted for knowledge once. A weak mind and a handful of pills had nearly ended it, but the years had numbed zem to the kind of existential terror ze had once felt at the realization of zir own human insignificance. And just a few nights ago, ze had been given another chance at that which ze had once pursued so desperately.

Ze had burned zir old notes before graduation, but old Dr. Armitage had been just as much of a stickler as ze had heard her grandfather was and had refused to let zem leave with the book, perhaps cottoning onto zir intent to destroy it. She had unknowingly done zem the greatest of favors.

Kyung-sun placed the copy of the  _Necronomicon_ that ze had seemingly so long ago tried and failed to steal inside zir coat and left with a casual wave to the new head librarian.

\---

_("Why don't you show me a real magic trick then, big guy?"_

_Kyung-sun was tall, but the dark-eyed stranger was a full head taller even with zir heeled boots adding two more inches. Ze was too drunk to feel unease at the way his eyes crawled over them or to consider whether his piercing gaze held offense or interest._

_"You think you can recognize real magic when you see it, then?"_

_"Maybe. I can tell when someone is a fake, at least."_

_The stranger moved closer. There was an aching familiarity in his closeness, the smell of his skin._

_"Am I a fake?"_

_Kyung-sun giggled. "You are until you're proven not to be."_

_"How scientific."_

_"Not a fan of science, Mr. Magician?"_

_"I would say that I am amused by it, if anything."_

_"And why..." Kyung-sun straightened up from where ze had been leaning against the bar, swayed, and grabbed the front of the stranger's shirt for support, leaning in closer still so that their noses nearly touched. This close, ze could see the flecks of gold in his endless eyes."Why's that?"_

_"I hear so much talk about fairy tales and myths, and how science dispels them all, yet you use it to shroud so many things that it cannot explain." The stranger's fingers traced zir jaw and over zir lips. Kyung-sun opened zir mouth and nipped at his fingertips, uncaring that they were in public and that ze didn't even know his name. Ze knew_ him, _as surely as ze knew zirself._

_"I can show you what your studies never could. Everything you ever wanted to know, I know it."_

_"Yeah?"_

_Somewhere in the pub, there was a scream. It was joined by another, and another, and yet another, and the sounds of furniture being overturned and shattering glass and the sickening thud of an impact and a body hitting the ground followed._

_"Show me, then."_

_They kissed deeply as the smell of smoke began to fill the building.)_

\---

When Kyung-sun finally remembered to plug zir phone in, zir voicemail inbox was full. All of them were from Noah, increasingly frantic, going back at least three days. He still hadn't come by in person to check on zem, though, and Kyung-sun didn't care to wonder if that was due to outside intervention or not.

"Where the hell have you been?" Noah burst out, immediately making zem regret zir decision to call.

"At home. Where I always am. What's the matter with you?"

"You haven't answered any calls in  _days_ , I-I heard someone say you had been hanging around the library at the university, you've been acting fucking weird ever since you got that  _book_ -" Noah went silent as he realized what he had just said.

"I've been at home," Kyung-sun said coldly. "I'm working on something."

"Yeah, yeah, I just bet you are! What was that book he left you, Kyung-sun? Who the hell _was_  he!?"

"A friend," Kyung-sun said. "A better friend than you ever were."

"You're going to try to kill yourself again, I'm calling your landlord and the cops-"

"I'm not going to hurt myself Noah. And you won't call anyone. You know you won't. You just barely managed it last time because we were alone and you would have gotten the blame."

Ze hung up on any reply he might have made, dug a reasonably-clean mug out of the sink to dump more coffee into, and went back to zir notes.

\---

Late in the evening, three knocks sounded at the front door, followed by two more after a pause. They were cautious, rather than urgent, but Kyung-sun still wondered if Noah might not have had some surprise left in him after all.

Henry Derby visibly recoiled from the stale coffee stench that permeated the apartment and rolled out into the hallway. "Um," he said hesitantly, "rent's due."

"Already?"

"You, uh, you're a day late actually, Mr. Il-Kang."

"Hm. Where does the time go." Ze didn't phrase it as a question so much as an observation. "Would you like to come in for a moment while I get my checkbook?"

Henry's face suggested that he very much did not want to come in, but he had been raised with stern reminders to always be unfailingly polite and Kyung-sun was one of their most reliable tenants. He took a few steps into the apartment and Kyung-sun closed the door behind him.

"I'll be just a minute. Have a seat if you want - or a drink?" Ze hadn't had a drop of alcohol in days, in the grip of zir research fervor and copious amounts of coffee to stave off any other cravings, and was starting to become aware of how much space it all took up when nobody was drinking it.

"Oh, uh, if you insist."

Kyung-sun smiled and Henry made a poor attempt at concealing how he flinched. "Great." Ze disappeared into the kitchen before he could reply, and he uneasily took a seat on the couch. Through the open bedroom door, he could see the bed and floor littered with papers and open books. He couldn't make out what language any of it was written in.

"Here we go."

As Henry turned towards Kyung-sun's voice again, ze swung the full bottle of scotch down onto his head.

The bottle shattered on impact, sending liquid and shards of glass everywhere. Henry's body jerked once before he collapsed with all the grace of a sack of rocks, his expression one of dull surprise. He shuddered for just a moment before going still, a small trickle of blood running down from the top of his head.

Kyung-sun gingerly stepped over Henry and the mess seeping into the carpet to lock and deadbolt the door, then returned to the kitchen for the bowl and knife ze had set out earlier.

Ze had known someone would come tonight. Ze had expected Noah - still did, that was just another reason to keep the door locked - but Henry would work just as well.

Really, all of those old practitioners that had refused to use anything other than a child were just putting themselves through a lot of trouble. Or maybe that was the Outer Gods having their fun with their followers. One could never be quite sure.

Kyung-sun caught sight of zir reflection in the metal bowl - face pale and hollow, eyes shadowed but bright with excitement that they hadn't shone with in years, the faintest of bruises still visible around zir throat. It was hard to tell for certain, but ze thought there might be rings of gold around zir blown pupils.

The words ze had so painstakingly copied and memorized rolled easily off of zir tongue as ze slit Henry's throat and tilted him to let the blood run into the bowl. Dipping a finger in, ze traced the lines and curves, the equations which had once so horrified zem, onto the inside surface of the locked front door.

Ze had scarcely finished when the door was rattled with frantic knocks. "Kyung-sun? Kyung-sun, it's me!" Noah's voice drifted through. Kyung-sun ignored it, turning away from the door and heading back to the bedroom to consider the mess. The book ze would leave - Miskatonic would probably be proud to say they now had two copies of the  _Necronomicon_ in their collection. A parting gift from zem to zir alma mater.

The notes ze gathered up and held one by one over the flame of a lighter. The markings on the door would be enough of a hint to anyone who aspired to follow in zir footsteps. You couldn't copy someone else's work wholesale, after all.

The pounding at the door became more insistent. "Kyung-sun, I know you're in there!"

"Honestly," ze muttered. "Twelve years and you still can't take a hint."

Continuing to ignore the noise at the door and the noises beyond it which suggested that zir neighbors were filtering into the hall to see what the commotion was about, Kyung-sun downed the last cold dregs of coffee in zir mug. It did nothing for zir pounding heart, of course. Ze was so close to everything ze had ever wanted to know.

The phone rang, and Kyung-sun turned to it with a drawn-out sigh. Maybe there was something to be said for last goodbyes, but it would probably end up being a waste of time.

Ze picked it up. "What."

"Where are you!? I'm outside your apartment, let me in!"

"If you know I'm here, why would you ask where I am?" Ze retorted dryly, stepping over Henry's body once again to get back to the door.

"Will you stop fucking around and let me in!? I'm trying to help you!"

"I've gotten all the help I need, Noah."

The line went quiet, save for Noah's heavy breathing and the murmuring of onlookers in the background. "No. You're going to kill yourself like this, whether you think you are or not."

"...You know why I'm a skeptic?"

Ze felt Noah seize on the opportunity to keep zem talking. "Why?"

"I always wanted to believe, you know, but everything is such a fucking disappointment. They don't know shit at Miskatonic anymore - not like they used to, not the way people tell stories about. Dunwich is just a regular backwater town full of inbred hicks, at least since the Whatleys died out. Nobody who says they practice witchcraft really does. The closest I ever got to anything real was living next to fucking Innsmouth, and you know what they do to outsiders there."

"So- what? Life isn't worth living because there's no such thing as the supernatural? Where's the logic in that?"

"There is none, because that's not what I said."

"You lost your faith... whatever kind of faith it was. It happens, Kyung-sun. It's not the end of the world. You can get help."

Kyung-sun sighed. "I didn't expect you to listen." Ze reached for the deadbolt, stopping a fraction of an inch from it.

"Kyung-sun-"

Ze threw the deadbolt back and flung the door open.

The light was nearly blinding, bathing the entire apartment in glimmering gold. Kyung-sun shielded zir eyes with one arm, barely aware of the renewed noise from Noah's end that indicated that he was still beating on the door.

That door was somewhere else now.  _This_ door...

The city sprawled before zem in maddening angles and impossible twists, rising up against a sky of crazed constellations and looming alien planets. Everything was brilliantly lit, so that there was no mistaking the things that crawled and squirmed and moved themselves in other indescribable ways through the city's visible terraces.

Inside the temple in the distance, Kyung-sun knew there was a Pharaoh reclining on his throne.

Ze felt him beckon.

"Kyung-sun! Kyung-sun,  _open the door_!"

"I have." Ze flung the phone carelessly over the nearest edge and stepped through.


End file.
